Even More Conspiracy Theories of Haruhi Suzumiya - Christmas Edition

[goddoesntknow]

So.

Santa Claus.

Jolly fat man who delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls, or something more sinister?

I've been pondering this for awhile, and have come to a conclusion...

Santa is, in fact, an alien. No other creature on earth could live that long. OR TRAVEL THAT FAST. The presents and gifts are a facade, a ruse to lure us into a false sense of security, so that we turn away while his true intentions are put into motion.

Some may question whether or not he exists, but I am convinced he, in fact, travels the globe as a means of mapping it, and surveying things. Taking a look at various superpowers' defenses so that when the centuries of preparation is complete, they have an up-to-date assessment of our strengths and weaknesses when the invasion inevitably comes.

Sure, he might bring presents.

But at what cost? AT WHAT COST?!

...

Which, hey, nothing we have to worry about HERE, but I figured everyone deserves a fair warning. ^_^

Comments

[madnessthunder.livejournal.com]

... You're crazy.

You still believe in Santa Claus?

[kazamaakira.livejournal.com]

Y'know, a friend of mine once calculated this.

Santa has to travel at roughly one thousand miles PER SECOND to do his job.

So... you may be on to something there.

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

Uh, Santa isn't an alien. In fact, aliens dislike Santa. He's actually a scientist and uses time travel and robots to give out gifts.

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

You got pulled into a parallel dimension connected to countless multiverses to fight demonic entities of death and destruction, and you're questioning me about SANTA CLAUS?

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

See? There's no other way to explain it!

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

Says who?!

(Though, that'd be pretty neat, too...)

[kazamaakira.livejournal.com]

So... am I taking this to mean you don't want me to dress in a little fur-lined Mrs. Claus dress on Christmas Morning?

[kazamaakira.livejournal.com]

UNLESS he's a time travelling dimension hopper! He could be in every house in the world at once that way...

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

Says me. I've seen the guy. Seen his lab too.

[madnessthunder.livejournal.com]

... Yes.

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

.....

PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

[madnessthunder.livejournal.com]

... I DO BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

Maybe, but why would a time travelling dimension hopper be doing that? What would he have to gain?

[goddoesntknow.livejournal.com]

...

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

But I didn't get to bring anything with me from- oh! I don't have any but I know someone who might! I'll be riiiight back.

[brb, heading for Lightbot household]

[kazamaakira.livejournal.com]

Either he's attained the kindness of Buddha, or he's atoning for something.

Or maybe he feeds on the happiness that comes on Christmas morning...

[geniushubris.livejournal.com]

... Quick.

Dr. Light is not Santa Claus.

[ibeatquickman.livejournal.com]

Idiot.

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

But-

If you say so Doctor Wily....

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

If my idea's stupid, what's yours?

[ibeatquickman.livejournal.com]

Santa Claus isn't real, Quick Man.

[drunkkareoke.livejournal.com]

But... but Haruhi! Nick nii-chan is dressing up as Santa for the kids this year! Nick wouldn't dress up as anyone evil!

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

Am I allowed to use the point made about parallel dimensions and countless multiverses?

[ibeatquickman.livejournal.com]

No.

[fasternlightbot.livejournal.com]

Oh. Never mind then.